I hope you're okay in whatever way it takes. You are my friend, and no matter how distant and uncommunicative and unrelated we are, I still care for you.
Aim aku nak duduk sorang sorang. Tinggal rumah sorang sorang, dekat tempat yang orang taktahu. Aku penat bila orang ambil tahu pasal aku, sebab benda tu akan buatkan aku lagi care dengan diorang, dan terlebih berharap. Formula mudahnya macam nilah, kau tak kisah pasal aku, jadi aku tak kisah pasal kau. Semua orang ada sisi dia yang tersembunyi; yang banyak. Dan aku takut pada manusia yang macam tu. Yang banyak sisi, sebab kau tak tahu mana satu diri dia yang sebenarnya. Aku punya banyak sisi yang aku tunjuk pada lain-lain orang; dan ya, aku takut dengan diri sendiri. Makin lama aku cuba mencari diri sendiri, aku jadi makin sesat, makin tak jumpa jalan, hilang arah. Mungkin aku patut belajar mencari Tuhan dulu. Tapi Tuhan tak perlu cari, Dia ada. Makin lama aku cuba mencari apa erti aku hidup, makin aku menjadi transparent. Aku jumpa sebab kenapa aku tak perlu hidup atas muka bumi ni; sebab takkan ada siapa yang ambil peduli. Aku ada atau takde, hidup orang lain akan kekal sama. Dan...
JULY 4TH are the people toxic- or is it just me? This holiday I started to stay away from social media (except twitter), and pretty much I can say I lead a better, happier life. Maybe because I'm out of anyone's expectation. Or maybe because I'm no longer expecting anything from anyone. Twitter is an exception by the way because literally no one knows me there, and I'm comfortable enough to mumble all by myself without feeling that I will be judged. I ask myself again- is it me, or everyone is toxic? I no longer waiting for people to watch my stories posted on instagram or whatsapp, where I'd keep checking every minute. I no longer waiting for anyone to talk to me first. I no longer break my own heart for petty reasons. I no longer be toxic to myself. I felt free, and happy, and contented. It's not that I don't appreciate the people that have been around me for quite a while, but sometimes life needs a break. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends...
Fck. I'm sorry. But not really. I came across this one thread on Twitter and it reminds me so much of myself. Here I am, again, crumbling down to my lowest. If it's to say, letting him go was one of the toughest decision I've ever made in my life. I still think about it up to this day, and regretted it. I have half regret half trying-to-feel-okay-but-not-really feel. I don't know. My thoughts are full of "what if?"s What if we stayed? What if I don't get mad? What if things can be solved? What if I don't fall for the other guy? What if I don't change my mind? Fck. I let go both so both can be happy. Idk what he's up to these days but I hope he's fine. And happy, and never remember me. I want to see him properly for one more time just to put my heart at ease, or to at least erase this piled-up regret. My heart shattered yknow. Feelings can't lie, but thoughts can. I said I'm okay when I'm not. But as long as he is happy t...
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