Do Not Regret

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Fck.

I'm sorry. But not really.

I came across this one thread on Twitter and it reminds me so much of myself. Here I am, again, crumbling down to my lowest.

If it's to say, letting him go was one of the toughest decision I've ever made in my life. I still think about it up to this day, and regretted it. I have half regret half trying-to-feel-okay-but-not-really feel. I don't know. My thoughts are full of "what if?"s

What if we stayed? What if I don't get mad? What if things can be solved? What if I don't fall for the other guy? What if I don't change my mind?

Fck.
I let go both so both can be happy.

Idk what he's up to these days but I hope he's fine. And happy, and never remember me. I want to see him properly for one more time just to put my heart at ease, or to at least erase this piled-up regret.

My heart shattered yknow. Feelings can't lie, but thoughts can. I said I'm okay when I'm not. But as long as he is happy then I'm happy. I tried? To ignore the feelings? But I can't? It's already been a while but damn nothing's change. My heart still drops every time I hear his name, or listen to his voice. As far as I'm concerned, I don't want to meet him at all. I don't want to drown myself in feelings that I would like to delete. If someone happens to know how, please tell me.

Aku ingat lagi kawan aku pernah cakap, "kau gilalah. Kau dah betul-betul suka dia. Gila." Ya aku memang gila tapi aku pun taknak gila ni.

Tapi orang tu dah bahagia. Aku mampu apa? Tengok dia dari jauh, macam biasa. Keep the distance. Hati aku remuk pun aku je yang sakit, yang penting orang lain tak.

Aku sedang belajar redha. Tuhan nak ajar.

Dan aku sedang mohon pada Tuhan gantikan hati aku yang patah ini dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik, sebab aku yakin. Sesedih mana pun aku, at least aku seorang yang sedih, bukan orang lain.

Tapi sampai bila aku nak tipu diri sendiri?

Sampai bila aku nak jumpa orang yang boleh gantikan dia?

Sampai Tuhan kata aku pass belajar sabar dan tunggu.

Sampai aku belajar bahagia tu bukan dengan hati jantung berdegup laju bila kau pandang seseorang.

Sampai aku belajar yang dalam bahagia tu kena berkorban.

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