chrysalis

Regret is a feeling that I wish to not to experience. I'm okay with being sad or lonely or mad, but not regret. As I take a step back and pull myself away from the crowd, I've seen things that I've never seen before. I've seen things that I've been missing out. I see the timeline of my life. My lifeline. Where did I miss. Who did I hurt. What did I do. All of them. I've been too busy chasing down people who won't even bother to turn their backs to see how I'm doing when in fact it was me, too, doing the exact same thing to others. I was too busy being selfish, thinking about the steps I'm about to take is going to benefit me, when someone is bleeding. It takes a lot of courage, and war flashbacks to write this. Soal hati ni payah eh. Sebab takde jawapan yang betul. Tak ada sesiapa pun yang faham apa yang dah jadi, termasuk aku- walaupun aku yang tentukan jalan mana yang aku sendiri pilih. Aku ingatkan, dengan kejujuran, aku akan dapat segala...

JULY 4TH are the people toxic- or is it just me? This holiday I started to stay away from social media (except twitter), and pretty much I can say I lead a better, happier life. Maybe because I'm out of anyone's expectation. Or maybe because I'm no longer expecting anything from anyone. Twitter is an exception by the way because literally no one knows me there, and I'm comfortable enough to mumble all by myself without feeling that I will be judged. I ask myself again- is it me, or everyone is toxic? I no longer waiting for people to watch my stories posted on instagram or whatsapp, where I'd keep checking every minute. I no longer waiting for anyone to talk to me first. I no longer break my own heart for petty reasons. I no longer be toxic to myself. I felt free, and happy, and contented. It's not that I don't appreciate the people that have been around me for quite a while, but sometimes life needs a break. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends...

Aim aku nak duduk sorang sorang. Tinggal rumah sorang sorang, dekat tempat yang orang taktahu. Aku penat bila orang ambil tahu pasal aku, sebab benda tu akan buatkan aku lagi care dengan diorang, dan terlebih berharap. Formula mudahnya macam nilah, kau tak kisah pasal aku, jadi aku tak kisah pasal kau. Semua orang ada sisi dia yang tersembunyi; yang banyak. Dan aku takut pada manusia yang macam tu. Yang banyak sisi, sebab kau tak tahu mana satu diri dia yang sebenarnya. Aku punya banyak sisi yang aku tunjuk pada lain-lain orang; dan ya, aku takut dengan diri sendiri. Makin lama aku cuba mencari diri sendiri, aku jadi makin sesat, makin tak jumpa jalan, hilang arah. Mungkin aku patut belajar mencari Tuhan dulu. Tapi Tuhan tak perlu cari, Dia ada. Makin lama aku cuba mencari apa erti aku hidup, makin aku menjadi transparent. Aku jumpa sebab kenapa aku tak perlu hidup atas muka bumi ni; sebab takkan ada siapa yang ambil peduli. Aku ada atau takde, hidup orang lain akan kekal sama. Dan...

Because I know no one would find me here. Oh God whatta day I had today. Yknow that feels bila kita rasa bila kita buat sesuatu yang supposedly buat orang rasa wow, then you're able to grab that person attention too. Lol I was wrong. I should've change for myself, not for people to see, but for me to cherish. Tuhan bagi izin aku jumpa dia lagi harini - dan aku sedar sesuatu yang tak mungkin aku ubah, kalau Allah dah kata kun fayakun; jadilah, maka jadilah. In my eyes, he is my whole world that I've been looking out from far away all this while. But in his eyes, there's someone else who has become his whole world, that he always look after, all the time. And that's how in my eyes, I hope that he's always going to stay that way; happy, and have something nice to look forward to. Terima kasih aku pada Tuhan, sebab makbulkan doa aku untuk selalu jaga dia dengan baik, dan alhamdulillah dia baik-baik saja :) Maybe it's time, to actually move on. I independ...

I should've draw a clear, bold line and keep myself distant from the other side. Honey, love isn't addiction. Addiction sucks, and suffocates you. You're not free like you used to be; the way you love it the most. Craving for attention from the person who you don't know care about you legitimately or not, hoping they'll see your stories posted on Instagram and Whatsapp; with hopes that they would reply but you end up with nothing. Addiction sucks up the energy within you, and reflects the glow you outshine from yourself, making you much more invinsible. Learn watching flowers bloom from far away because if you get too close, you'll block the sunlight from supporting them to grow; and all you do is killing them with darkness of your shadow. Oh honey, learn how to stay away from people and be pleased with yourself.

"What's your biggest problem?" "Time-" "Really? Because the last time I checked, the students are most concerned about being lonely; loneliness." The whole class kept silent but you can see some of them nodding, as reference of being able to relate to such. Including me. I never realize how lonely I am, until I saw someone smiled so well it hurts me in my core; wondering wow when was the last time I was able to feel that much of happiness? I reckon I forget how to smile as well. I love being alone, independently. Lonely, somehow, is another case. Adakah menjadi lonely rhymes with being a loser? I don't know. Bagi aku, lonely (atau Bahasa Melayunya kesunyian) itu satu tahap hasil amalgamasi emosi dan situasi yang seharusnya semua orang elak. Tapi entah macam mana aku pun terjatuh. Aku sunyi. Tapi aku tak mampu nak luahkan dekat sesiapapun. Pada aku, biarlah orang lain hidup aman bahagia riang ria tanpa perlu memikirkan masalah aku yang r...