Read.
JULY 4TH
are the people toxic- or is it just me?
This holiday I started to stay away from social media (except twitter), and pretty much I can say I lead a better, happier life. Maybe because I'm out of anyone's expectation. Or maybe because I'm no longer expecting anything from anyone. Twitter is an exception by the way because literally no one knows me there, and I'm comfortable enough to mumble all by myself without feeling that I will be judged.
I ask myself again- is it me, or everyone is toxic?
I no longer waiting for people to watch my stories posted on instagram or whatsapp, where I'd keep checking every minute. I no longer waiting for anyone to talk to me first. I no longer break my own heart for petty reasons. I no longer be toxic to myself. I felt free, and happy, and contented. It's not that I don't appreciate the people that have been around me for quite a while, but sometimes life needs a break. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends but I can't help myself thinking about how possessive I could be, or how much of an attention seeker I am, or how unhelpful I'd be, or all about the cancelled meetings, or about the "I need someone to talk to but...", or small fights. I just need a break.
People aren't wrong when they said "once you find the joy in living alone, you'd never want to get out."
I feel like if I continue it this way, I may get the life that I wanted - where no one ever remember you anymore; and they won't even bother to search for you, and I no longer rely on anyone, I don't have to put up my expectations anymore.
UPDATE
AUGUST 2ND
It feels weird when I found myself talking to someone and I enjoy it. It feels... strange. Idk if I really should be that cherish and happy, Idk if I deserve it.
Being alone is my kink; my guilty pleasure. It feels good to actually think about what would make ME happy instead of what would other people think of me. It's strangely selfish- but in a good way. I always thought the real purpose of human communication is to make you stay alive, where your presence is needed. But I don't find it that way. Human can be alone. God designed them to be. We do not need others ALL the time. Choose THE time.
I used to be petty when no one even remembers my name, or my birthday, or what I like to eat, or my favourite colour, or the songs that I put on shuffle, that I need to constantly post about them online so that someone would finally care, but then I realized that they- these people are not entitled to read you, or know you, or please you. It's their right whether to care, or not to care.
I shouldn't wait for someone to ask me "Are you okay?" when I should've been asking that to myself. No, I'm not okay, but I'm fine. I'll figure this out myself.
I hope everyone that I know, and love, knows that they deserve to be happy too. I hope that you will stop asking me if I am okay because yes, I am, although things are shit at times but hey help me stop myself from hoping too much from you. I hate it when I see my friends in need but I am not able to help. Or maybe they don't even need the help.
I admit that I'm wrapped in jealousy whenever I see people being appreciated and loved and cared and everyone wants to talk to them and everyone pampers them so much but I have to tell myself that I am not fond of that way. You're not them. Wake up. If people don't do it for you, then do it for yourself.
Being alone- I
kinda like it.
are the people toxic- or is it just me?
This holiday I started to stay away from social media (except twitter), and pretty much I can say I lead a better, happier life. Maybe because I'm out of anyone's expectation. Or maybe because I'm no longer expecting anything from anyone. Twitter is an exception by the way because literally no one knows me there, and I'm comfortable enough to mumble all by myself without feeling that I will be judged.
I ask myself again- is it me, or everyone is toxic?
I no longer waiting for people to watch my stories posted on instagram or whatsapp, where I'd keep checking every minute. I no longer waiting for anyone to talk to me first. I no longer break my own heart for petty reasons. I no longer be toxic to myself. I felt free, and happy, and contented. It's not that I don't appreciate the people that have been around me for quite a while, but sometimes life needs a break. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends but I can't help myself thinking about how possessive I could be, or how much of an attention seeker I am, or how unhelpful I'd be, or all about the cancelled meetings, or about the "I need someone to talk to but...", or small fights. I just need a break.
People aren't wrong when they said "once you find the joy in living alone, you'd never want to get out."
I feel like if I continue it this way, I may get the life that I wanted - where no one ever remember you anymore; and they won't even bother to search for you, and I no longer rely on anyone, I don't have to put up my expectations anymore.
UPDATE
AUGUST 2ND
It feels weird when I found myself talking to someone and I enjoy it. It feels... strange. Idk if I really should be that cherish and happy, Idk if I deserve it.
Being alone is my kink; my guilty pleasure. It feels good to actually think about what would make ME happy instead of what would other people think of me. It's strangely selfish- but in a good way. I always thought the real purpose of human communication is to make you stay alive, where your presence is needed. But I don't find it that way. Human can be alone. God designed them to be. We do not need others ALL the time. Choose THE time.
I used to be petty when no one even remembers my name, or my birthday, or what I like to eat, or my favourite colour, or the songs that I put on shuffle, that I need to constantly post about them online so that someone would finally care, but then I realized that they- these people are not entitled to read you, or know you, or please you. It's their right whether to care, or not to care.
I shouldn't wait for someone to ask me "Are you okay?" when I should've been asking that to myself. No, I'm not okay, but I'm fine. I'll figure this out myself.
I hope everyone that I know, and love, knows that they deserve to be happy too. I hope that you will stop asking me if I am okay because yes, I am, although things are shit at times but hey help me stop myself from hoping too much from you. I hate it when I see my friends in need but I am not able to help. Or maybe they don't even need the help.
I admit that I'm wrapped in jealousy whenever I see people being appreciated and loved and cared and everyone wants to talk to them and everyone pampers them so much but I have to tell myself that I am not fond of that way. You're not them. Wake up. If people don't do it for you, then do it for yourself.
Being alone- I
kinda like it.
*p/s: Please help me. If you found me to be that type who "wait I haven't seen you for a while you don't update that often" then please let me continue on being so. It's healthy for me. It's okay to come up once in a while to stay in touch. No seriously, don't mind me. I'm okay.
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